I have no wife or family of my own.
I have no girlfriend.
Thanks to my fat, bald, fugly, broken Autistic body,
I have no one to date.
Despite my public positivity
(since I refuse to bring any one else down with negativity),
I am forever alone.
All my friends have moved away or died from cancer or car wrecks.
I alwayz thought
If I didn't have relationships (the meaning of life IMO),
at least I had my passion of filmmaking.
Every day, sometimez every HOUR,
filmmaking was the ONLY thing I thought about.
And now, I don't even have that.
I did not sit around in self-pity.
For 15 yearz,
I attempted to better myself.
If I failed, I learned from it & tried a different approach.
THAT is where the "RESILIENCE" in Resilience Productions came from.
But there comes a time
when one must admit defeat.
15 yearz of refusing to accept defeat was insane enough.
If I have no relationships,
and I can not do the ONE thing in life that makes it worth living.
I am simply existing in neverending torture,
and that doesn't even include
the physical pain i've been in from a bad back most of my life.
That is no way to exist.
We have good dayz & bad dayz.
Life is life a book.
Each day is a new page, each year is a new chapter.
I've come to the epilogue of my book.
I failed my cousin throughout my life.
And he literally suffered unimaginably for that.
While I can never make up for that,
or erase the suffering & PTSD caused from my incompetence,
There is one thing I can do
to help him live the rest of his life a little easier.
With no filmmaking legacy to leave behind to show who I was as an artist,
maybe my mission to save the remainder of his life
will bring some meaning to my existence.
But once that final mission is done,
my agonizing existence is complete.
